I am starting to care whether or not I finish my dissertation.
It is not 'bad'. I think though that it is part of grief and you are still 'in the woods' to borrow from medicine. Once you are 'out of the woods', perspective will shift around and settle in to something that is meaningful and that you can be at peace with. Preposterous to think of that right now perhaps, I can imagine, but time, along with your outstanding gift for insight, is some powerful shit - it does stuff without you even trying, you watch. No life of your has been wasted. I think I know what you're thinking, but it is true. You will mine the significance of this past ten years, you will realize its depth, you will apprehend the dignity in its shadows. You'll see it on its own terms; it will demand respect of you and you will respect it. It's you and it deserves your acceptance and love. For exactly what it is and has been. You'll get there. Much love to you.
I think that makes sense, too.
It's not bad. You want what you want; anyone one else who is grieving may want something similar. Wishing for the chance to relive years of one's life is so futile though that my mind automatically dismissed that thought. We can't rearrange the past, no matter how hard we try, but there is value in the life you've lived. Don't write yourself off, Nina.
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