Tuesday, May 20, 2008

PAVTAC, save me

Anyone who has ever picked up my cat has experienced the same series of events, depending on the number of mili-seconds the victim was in close contact with Cat-head.

Event the first: the pick up

Picking up Cat-head is achieved in the usual manner. The victim picks up the cat. What's different about Cat-head is that he will go into what appears to be a blissful stupor at first contact. This is a ruse. What he is doing is marshaling his energies for a strike - with all his fangs - at the victim's jugular vein.

Event the second: the warning

During the two mili-second warning event, Cat-head will flatten his ears and make a sound kind of like what you would expect from a cornered, rabid coyote. It is not a nice sound. If the victim is in a position to make eye contact with Cat-head, eye contact is made. Thus ends event the second.

Event the third: the strike

If the victim does not immediately and unceremoniously drop Cat-head (he actually prefers a lack of ceremony, truly), Cat-head will bite the victim on any area of exposed flesh he can find. He prefers faces, arms and hands, but I suspect he chooses these locations for a strike because he knows that his biting will hurt you less if it is first intercepted by a turtleneck of a pair of blue jeans. For extra drama, his pupils will contract while he bites the victim, causing the victim to be convinced, if only for a brief second, that Cat-head is possessed by the Devil. Sometimes this belief persists well past the strike event. Other times it dissipates, and still others the belief remains operative forever.

Cat-head bit my dad one time, say, back in 1999 or thereabouts. It went down exactly as you see above. The only difference was that my dad was (is) allergic to Cat-head's venom or whatever, so my dad had to go to the hospital and get on lots of crazy ass drugs so his arm wouldn't be eaten alive by flesh eating something or other. My dad is, obviously (obviously!) one of the people who remains steadfast in his belief that my cat is Evil. I can't even pretend I disagree.

You would think that after that first biting incident, anyone and everyone I warned (and I did, believe me) would have the sense not to pick up my cat.

Tune in tomorrow to hear about how my Cat-head ruined by best friend's bachelorette party, wedding, AND honeymoon, all in one go.

Love, Nina

1 comment:

Annie said...

Like I said I had a cat like that, but I must admit, even she was not as evil as cat-head. Does he have any good traits? At all? How's your dad? Hugs...