We are going to do absolutely nothing until we have conferred with all of my dad's brothers, and the paltry check she says she mailed to my brother arrives and clears. It's rather like standing around with a grenade all day and waiting for permission to pull the pin and run run like hell.
In other news, I did pack up three boxes and three duffle bags and my friend came and helped me move them to the house where I will be living. I am maybe going over there tomorrow to help her mom start putting things in order. I say maybe because she is a little bit less eager to get started than blah blah blah... it's just a hard process for anyone to go through. If she cancels, it won't surprise me. I will be living there in a week or so and then there will be no avoiding the person who lives in her house who is there expressly for the purpose of helping her organize and sort out her things. Hopefully this will go well and she will not end up hating me inside of a week. At any rate, in very short time I will have figured out how best to help and I will have a place to live.
Can I tell you all how surreal this is? I have to rewrite my whole life, change my entire concept of the world, and at the same time, move into someone else's house and work three jobs and... I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am. If I thought the anxiety was bad before my father died, this disorientation and the total breakdown of my family and the just crushing sadness of it... well it might be worse. Or maybe it's better because I am so completely against anxiety. I am not anxious at all... just so busy I don't know what to do when and all the while there is a voice in my head telling me my father died and we never even said goodbye and he just left me with nothing after I set him up with her and encouraged him to move on after my mom's death. And that I have been the instrument that caused my siblings to be disinherited and hurt so badly. And then I am grading papers and people are parading into my apartment two and three and four times a day since it is not rented yet and I am supposedly going to move like... next week.
Is this a post? I don't have any idea what I just wrote about but you can read it if you want to and if you have anything to say you can say it and if you think I am boring and self-pitying and kind of jack-ass you are most likely correct. Starting over when you never really got started in the first place and you are 38 and all you have in the credit column of your life is not being dead yet is utterly surreal. And that is all I can think of to say today.
Thank you for reading.