Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Not built in a day

No emails, no phone calls, no nothing.  

We are going to do absolutely nothing until we have conferred with all of my dad's brothers, and the paltry check she says she mailed to my brother arrives and clears.  It's rather like standing around with a grenade all day and waiting for permission to pull the pin and run run like hell.

In other news, I did pack up three boxes and three duffle bags and my friend came and helped me move them to the house where I will be living.  I am maybe going over there tomorrow to help her mom start putting things in order.  I say maybe because she is a little bit less eager to get started than blah blah blah... it's just a hard process for anyone to go through.  If she cancels, it won't surprise me.  I will be living there in a week or so and then there will be no avoiding the person who lives in her house who is there expressly for the purpose of helping her organize and sort out her things.   Hopefully this will go well and she will not end up hating me inside of a week.  At any rate, in very short time I will have figured out how best to help and I will have a place to live. 

Can I tell  you all how surreal this is?  I have to rewrite my whole life, change my entire concept of the world, and at the same time, move into someone else's house and work three jobs and... I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am.  If I thought the anxiety was bad before my father died, this disorientation and the total breakdown of my family and the just crushing sadness of it... well it might be worse.  Or maybe it's better because I am so completely against anxiety.  I am not anxious at all... just so busy I don't know what to do when and all the while there is a voice in my head telling me my father died and we never even said goodbye and he just left me with nothing after I set him up with her and encouraged him to move on after my mom's death.  And that I have been the instrument that caused my siblings to be disinherited and hurt so badly.  And then I am grading papers and people are parading into my apartment two and three and four times a day since it is not rented yet and I am supposedly going to move like... next week. 

Is this a post?  I don't have any idea what I just wrote about but you can read it if you want to and if you have anything to say you can say it and if you think I am boring and self-pitying and kind of jack-ass you are most likely correct.  Starting over when you never really got started in the first place and you are 38 and all you have in the credit column of your life is not being dead yet is utterly surreal.  And that is all I can think of to say today.  

Thank you for reading. 


Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, sometimes, not being dead is the best you can do. Try to be gentle with yourself.

sybil law said...

Why would you be the instrument for your family being disinherited?!
I think you're far too hard on yourself. You are strong, and taking chances, and leaping into the unknown. That takes guts.
I think your whole life is going to turn around. I hope you love it.

catherine said...

There is a whole shitload of crap in that credit column that I could rattle off to you blindfolded with both hands tied behind my back, starting with TEACHER and carrying on for quite some time with stuff I'm guessing you aren't up to counting right now, but that counts quite weightily nonetheless (SCALER OF LOFTY PEAKS and WONDERFUL WRITER for examples). And I might even point out that the true blueness of you and other great aspects of your character that you have built and maintained in a world that often seems designed to rip things like earnestness and generosity and politeness out of us like stuffing as we grow up and get further into adulthood, is one fucking magnificent achievement right there. Amen.

Was that a long enough sentence for you? The run on. My downfall since I began constructing sentences. Hah, and it started with 'And'. I'm GOOD!

Annie said...

You will be fine and it is up to you if you are happy or not. You can't do anything about the past, so let it go. Plus, listen to Cahterine :-).
Big hugs. XOXO

Annie said...

You will be fine and it is up to you if you are happy or not. You can't do anything about the past, so let it go. Plus, listen to Cahterine :-).
Big hugs. XOXO

Maggie said...

It is not your fault that your siblings were disinherited. I hate to speak ill of your beloved dad, or of the dead in general. But your father had free will, and he chose to go along with Erika's plan.
When you set them up, you did so in good faith. And if I remember the story correctly, all you did was introduce them. She's the one who took the ball and ran with it, pursuing him doggedly when he was not even expressing much interest.

You introduced them, you didn't arrange the marriage. And you certainly did not draft that shitty will.

Life is not as Butterfly-effecty as all that, you know.

Take care of yourself, sweetie. YOu're doing fine.