Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Never, or 11-20

Today, the next installment of 100 things - all of them containing the word "never."

11) I will never understand why to sell 25 little pills (which, by the way, are inexplicably shaped like teeth) the man in the suit says that all this packaging is necessary:

12) I will never understand why I have never seen a rainbow outside my window in six years - and then last week I say THREE. Here is the latest:

13) I will never understand why people feel the need to shower more than once a day. Seriously. I get that there is possible gym sweat or work sweat - but sweat is pretty clean and... is it just me? Does no one else understand how bad soap and water is for your hair and skin? It's bad. The irrational thing we all do (I am probably just speaking for women here) is scrub ourselves and then dry off and smear moisturizer onto ourselves to replace what we just stripped out of our skin. And we do this... why? I get the part about not smelling bad - truly, but I hate showering. I hate it. It does terrible things to my skin and hair and if it were not for the sake of cleanliness being next to Godliness, I wouldn't do it but once a week. And that's no lie.

14) I will never do drugs. Ever. Again. I smoked a little something a few times when I was in college. I inhaled. It was awful. My heart started beating like a jackhammer and I thought everyone was trying to kill me. I totally don't get drugs. Not fun at all.

15) I will never ride a mountain bike again. Here is why:

OK, perhaps the pictures do not convey a proper sense of how much that s-curve fracture hurt. Nor do the pictures convey the debilitating effect of not being able to straighten my left arm for almost six months. The only thing that got me back to straight was rock climbing - and hanging off that arm. No more mountain biking for me. Ever.

16) I will never understand why No Country for Old Men won a bunch of awards. It was the most boring movie I have ever seen in my life. The book, however, was great.

17) I will never smoke another cigarette. Yeah, I have smoked a few, here or there, when I was drunk or dating a smoker. Never again. Too many people I love have died of cancer and I am not done losing people yet.

18) I will never try to come up with ten "nevers" all in one sitting. This is turning out to be too many. This is exhausting.

19) I will never understand why the good Lord made a little bit of chubbiness so unappealing to the male creature. I like having a some hips. My boobs are ok with me. Why is six feet tall and made with pipe cleaners the standard of beauty in our culture again? I get why the pipe cleaner creatures are attractive but seriously - is that ALL that is attractive? Might a girl have some more boob and butt than that and still be beautiful? FEH! I say yes.

20) I will never change my mind about bananas. I do not like them. I would go so far as to say I would never eat them again, but they are plentiful in a certain place where I was recently banished (Cuba) by Woodrow for the merest hint of a suggestion that maybe guns in the hands of women who were angry at their boyfriends because of lap dances at boobie bars were a bad idea. Woodrow promptly called me "commie" and shipped me off to Cuba -- for trying to protect a guy from his psychotic gun-toting girlfriend because she found out about the lap dance. And what could be more American than a guy's right to pay a stupid but attractive young woman to rub her boobs all over his face and maybe smoosh her pelvis around all over his pelvis? In a bar?

(I think we all know the answer to that).

Have an good Tuesday.


Annie said...

First Nina I hate to say this, but alcohol is a drug, actually alcohol effects me more than any drug I have ever taken, but that's just me. I loved, "no Country for Old Men" The book AND the movie.
However, I totally agree about the weight thing, I do think it is women, not men that are against it.
At my heaviest of 150, no man ever complained :-).

Avitable said...

I love the feeling of a good hot shower - it's just relaxing. I'd rather float in the pool instead, though.

M@ said...

The no-showering is probably why you don't date. And drugs aren't for everybody. Some of us just aren't p*ssies like you. You gotta just tough it out.

Sizzle said...

When having to pick a drug of choice I choose alcohol because I know what my reaction will be. I will show someone my tits and probably talk to loud or (at 6 drinks) maybe cry. Predictable.

I didn't love No Country for Old Men nor did I get the Jesse James movie (talk about long!) but to each their own.

I concur about #19 (if that's the one about women's bodies- I am too lazy to go back and check).

ellie said...

As a girl with some curves, I agree with you on #19. amen, sister

ByJane said...

Number 14? Me too. You think that has something to do with our mutual dissertation issues?

Finn said...

While I don't mind showering while I'm IN the shower, I don't care for being wet when I get out. It's a feline thing.

And curves? Real curves? When did that get to be bad? And when did being built like a 13-year-old boy get to be sexy?

Joel said...

I will never understand why the good Lord made a little bit of chubbiness so unappealing to the male creature.

He certainly didn't. A woman looks - and feels - best with some upholstery on her. Who wants to cuddle up to a sack of coat hangers? (The opinions of pimply-faced pubescent boys with their first Penthouse notwithstanding.)

Kate P said...

My psycho ex-roommate showered several times a day--but then again, she was obsessed with food and exercise as well. (I hate how showering dries out my hair and skin, too.)

#19--probably we're in the wrong country, Nina. I'll never be a twig unless I'm sick and/or depressed (like I was, living with aforementioned psycho ex-roomate).

Julie said...

awww...I'm jealous of your view outside your window. I look out mine and all I see is a forest. Not woods. A FOREST!
I shouldn't complain though...you have noise ;-)

nightfly said...

Hey, I'm with all you ladies on #19. There's no fun in trying to make out with a wiffle bat.

Mr. Bingley said...

Exactly right, 'Fly.

I have always preferred my ladies to be built for comfort, not speed.

sybil law said...

You are funny.
I broke my arms (both of them) numerous times as a kid (I was crazy), and they healed over so strong that it would be awfully hard for me to break them again!
But women SHOULD have curves. Being soft sets us apart from men, right?
Never seen the movie, but that main guy looked so goofy in the promos and then I saw him on the Oscars and I was like, "He's hot!".
I love a shower when I feel sweaty and gritty. Love it. But I mostly shower every other day - my hair looks better when I do.
Drug - been there, done many. Glad I got that crap outta my system when I was younger. Don't miss those days, but I sure had a lot of fun when I was there.
I'll shut up now! Too long! :)