Today, the next installment of 100 things - all of them containing the word "never."
11) I will never understand why to sell 25 little pills (which, by the way, are inexplicably shaped like teeth) the man in the suit says that all this packaging is necessary:
12) I will never understand why I have never seen a rainbow outside my window in six years - and then last week I say THREE. Here is the latest:
13) I will never understand why people feel the need to shower more than once a day. Seriously. I get that there is possible gym sweat or work sweat - but sweat is pretty clean and... is it just me? Does no one else understand how bad soap and water is for your hair and skin? It's bad. The irrational thing we all do (I am probably just speaking for women here) is scrub ourselves and then dry off and smear moisturizer onto ourselves to replace what we just stripped out of our skin. And we do this... why? I get the part about not smelling bad - truly, but I hate showering. I hate it. It does terrible things to my skin and hair and if it were not for the sake of cleanliness being next to Godliness, I wouldn't do it but once a week. And that's no lie.
14) I will never do drugs. Ever. Again. I smoked a little something a few times when I was in college. I inhaled. It was awful. My heart started beating like a jackhammer and I thought everyone was trying to kill me. I totally don't get drugs. Not fun at all.
15) I will never ride a mountain bike again. Here is why:
OK, perhaps the pictures do not convey a proper sense of how much that s-curve fracture hurt. Nor do the pictures convey the debilitating effect of not being able to straighten my left arm for almost six months. The only thing that got me back to straight was rock climbing - and hanging off that arm. No more mountain biking for me. Ever.
16) I will never understand why No Country for Old Men won a bunch of awards. It was the most boring movie I have ever seen in my life. The book, however, was great.
17) I will never smoke another cigarette. Yeah, I have smoked a few, here or there, when I was drunk or dating a smoker. Never again. Too many people I love have died of cancer and I am not done losing people yet.
18) I will never try to come up with ten "nevers" all in one sitting. This is turning out to be too many. This is exhausting.
19) I will never understand why the good Lord made a little bit of chubbiness so unappealing to the male creature. I like having a some hips. My boobs are ok with me. Why is six feet tall and made with pipe cleaners the standard of beauty in our culture again? I get why the pipe cleaner creatures are attractive but seriously - is that ALL that is attractive? Might a girl have some more boob and butt than that and still be beautiful? FEH! I say yes.
20) I will never change my mind about bananas. I do not like them. I would go so far as to say I would never eat them again, but they are plentiful in a certain place where I was recently banished (Cuba) by Woodrow for the merest hint of a suggestion that maybe guns in the hands of women who were angry at their boyfriends because of lap dances at boobie bars were a bad idea. Woodrow promptly called me "commie" and shipped me off to Cuba -- for trying to protect a guy from his psychotic gun-toting girlfriend because she found out about the lap dance. And what could be more American than a guy's right to pay a stupid but attractive young woman to rub her boobs all over his face and maybe smoosh her pelvis around all over his pelvis? In a bar?
(I think we all know the answer to that).
Have an good Tuesday.