Friday, February 15, 2008

No, Johnny, I will not marry you.

I got an overwhelming number of marriage proposals yesterday. People even promised to commit adultery - to leave their spouses just to get access to my naked gorgeousness. So as you can imagine, I felt rather ashamed of myself for being so immodest. But I couldn't help myself. I felt so beautiful and I was just so happy.

People, Neil loved me yesterday. What could be better than that?*

I am accustomed to men falling all over themselves in the hopes of one kind word a year from me, the one and only Nina-alone a lot- Corrigan. (Yeah, I have a fake LAST name, too. My dementia is total).

However, I must say that this missive I received late last night, after I had finished arranging the 4,332 roses I received from various admirers, was rather surprising:

Re: Love

Dearest Nina,

I almost broke the internet yesterday looking at the vision of naked gorgeous that is you. I was beside myself with admiration and passion - and dare I say it - joy. I could not take my eyes from your wriggling, naked form. Your hair entranced me. Your lips enthralled me. Your breasts.... Dear God help me.... your breasts. Are they real?

Nina, my angel, I know they are real. I know it because I know of your virtue, your integrity, your passion for all that is right and good in the world. I know you would never post a picture of your naked self on the internet unless it was a real life likeness. Plus I saw you dancing at Scores last year when you were hard up for tuition money and your daddy was in the hospital. You're hot.

Nina, I love you. I've tossed Vanessa's Versace gowns and her ten million pairs of shoes out in the alley and I've called the Parisian songbird rescue mission. They are on their way. (I dropped the kids off at the orphanage this afternoon and by the time you get this, I should be done burning their toys).

Nina, my dearest one, be mine forever.

Marry me.


Johnny (Depp) (the guy in the pirate movies).

P.S. I have enclosed a picture of myself from one of my lesser known films. It was about Chocolate and Lent and since I know you are Catholic, I thought you might approve.

Well, as you can imagine, I was astonished. I thought it over, but really, what really needs thinking about? There can only be one response to such a missive as this from a creature such as myself. (I am awesome - as a creature, that is).

Re: re: Love

Forget for a moment, Johnny, that you are an internationally adored film star and that women everywhere throw their undergarments at your head if you so much as look twice at them. Forget also, Johnny, that you are universally agreed to be intelligent, sensitive, sane, and by all accounts generous and kind. Forget that you have managed go your entire career without being photographed getting out of a car with no underwear on (not that some people wouldn't approve because some people, not me, mind you, but some people would totally dig that). Forget, finally, that you have good teeth, no known allergies and an excellent track record with women (although I am not cool with the fact that you never have married the mother of your children - kinda shabby of you, I say). I haven't even said yet that you are hot. Well, I say it now. Johnny, you are smokin' hot.

But no.

No, Johnny, I will not marry you. To all your excellent and admirable qualities you must add one more and I regret to inform you that despite your millions, you have not the means to remedy your deficiency.

You, Johnny, are short. At 5'6", you are a full three inches NOT as tall as I require to consider you a potential mate. I am sorry to have ruined your equanimity, your relationship with Vanessa - nay - your entire life by posting that naked picture of myself yesterday. But me you shall never have. You are simply not up to my standards, and a girl like me? Thirty-eight, single, broke and crazy? I can afford to be picky.

So I won't marry you.

Not love,


* Well, I can think of ONE thing, but he has the merest little wisp of an issue with CHEATING,and I must not be thus dishonored.


Em said...

Oh dear lord, why did you have to post that picture? I love that man. I think he's 5'9", Nina. . .I really think so. But you can't have him anyway. He's mine!

Which reminds me you never posted the why of the height requirement!

And I really need more info about this Neil character. I'm just confused.

Marlee said...

Well, you can BOTH have Johnny Depp! I have NEVER thought he was sexy! Okay, well maybe just for a SECOND... but that's IT.


Anonymous said...

I got that same letter and responded to SAME WAY to Ellen Degenerous and Will Smith.

I hate letting them down, but at least we let them down easy, right?

And yes, your boobies are incredible.

Anonymous said...

I wrote a similar letter to George Clooney, but the hubs found and destroyed it.

Johnny Depp was his hottest in Chocolat.

Chiroptera said...

I think I could turn them all down right about now in my life.

Finn said...

I think Johnny Depp trumps my 19-year-old model.

Think Johnny has Colin Farrell's number?

utenzi said...

Great choice on a last name, Nina. I fell desperately in love while in college with a nurse who had that last name. Irish to the core and with the temper to prove it. My, my but those were interesting times.

Maybe Mr Depp could get leg grafts?