Saturday, February 16, 2008

Trailer Fantasy

If you are certain people you already know all of this information and you can totally skip this post.

Come to think of it, everyone can skip this post. It is not very interesting, after all, to hear about how dearly I wish I lived all by myself in a rusty single-wide trailer* somewhere very far from anything bright and shiny. Except for maybe stars.

My empire, people, is shabby and slapped-up ugly. It takes all I got to run it, and I do it badly most days. You could make a very good case, if you really knew me, that I ought to be evicted from my life and that all its constituent parts should be sold off to better people. Metaphorically speaking, there is a sign on my back. It says:

DESPERATELY SEEKING NEW MANAGEMENT. (Apply within, but be warned: she bites.)

Hence trailer fantasy. The one where I walk out of here and get on a bus and just go. I arrive Somewhere, USA and buy a modest trailer home somewhere far far away and not too cold (because I don't plan to be able to afford heat). Then I apply for the most flat, ordinary and uninteresting job I can find and on my off hours, I sit very still in the cold dark tube of my dwelling and patiently wait to die. The. end.

As far as I know, there is nothing illegal in this plan. And it's beautiful. It is beautiful because it is so simple.

I love this plan so much that I have already made gestures towards executing it. I have sold most of my stock and paid off the nagging bills. I have thrown out about half my clothing (did that last week while y'all weren't looking) and I finally let go of all those notebooks I was saving from college. You know, the ones with lectures notes from The Scarlet Letter in them. As if I needed to brush up on what happens to girls who choose the wrong man and shit. (hint: that's information I already have, thank you).

The flaw in this grand, simple plan is me.

I, Nina-swears a lot - would fuck it all to hell up. You know I would. I would get into my trailer home and I would be jubilant for about two days. Then I would get it into my head that I wanted to make curtains for it or some nonsense like that and so I would go out and join the newcomer's sewing circle and before you know it I would be part of a quilting bee and FREAKING OUT that I didn't get first place in the Abstract Division. And even before that, I would be wandering around out on a prairie or whatnot, screaming, "HEY! DOES ANYONE ELSE LIVE HERE! I LIKE ROCK CLIMBING! CAN ANYONE FIND ME SOME ROCKS!"

*dramatic pause*

"I LOVE EVERYONE! LET'S ALL BE FRIENDS!"

And then I would have a new friggin' empire full of mystery, drama, and complications. I'd buy a television and a microwave and some new jeans because I think they make my ass look good even though I know my ass is still my ass, here, there, and everywhere. Even in New York.

And that, internet, is all I have to say to you today.

Thank you for reading, and have a weekend.

* If you are the sort of person who cracks on people for living in trailers, you are banned from reading my blog until you get better manners. Trailers rock. Everyone knows that and it's time you learned it, too.

12 comments:

Julie said...

You can come here and move into the single wide next door. I'll evict the current tenants that use circular saws and hammers in the middle of the night and practically wake the dead (and Livvie). I'll bring you soup and channa and we can sit in front of my TV so you don't have to buy one. AND we have high speed internet here, so it's all good.

LAS said...

Nina - you are awesome! That's all I have to say!

cajunvegan said...

Mess with Nina, and you mess with the whole trailer park.

Dan said...

I have had similar fantasies on occasion. but with a canal boat rather than a trailer

jen said...

Nina, we are soul mates.

I grew up in a trailer. I'm THIS close to buying one right now. It is going to be the cheapest option while I'm in medical school. And, between you and me?, I will continue to live in it well after I'm a doctor.

Trailers are home.

Marlee said...

You know, I have to say, I TRIED a version of your fantasy, and I came running. right. back. And I SWEAR I'll never leave the city again. But that's just me...

I could just SEND you curtains for your trailer so you wouldn't have to join the sewing circle. Would that help? ;)

utenzi said...

Are you really such high maintenance, Nina? You must be exaggerating!

mohadoha said...

I'm trying to do this even in Qatar. No more offering help to people! Saving my energy for myself!

Sandy said...

There will be tv, right?

Avitable said...

You could watch NASCAR, too.

ricki said...

I have a somewhat similar fantasy except I tend to say "shack deep in the woods" instead of "single-wide trailer."

And whatever job I found - it would have to be measuring body temperature of caribou, or counting pine trees and then mailing that information to my boss, or something, because when I finally do snap, it's gonna include going to a place where there are NO PEOPLE. Never ever again.

I fantasize about this, and then I'm all, but ricki, what happens when you run out of t.p.?

And I kind of snap back to reality and go on dealing with the people around me. As much as I'd like to not have to...

Effortlessly Average said...

Someday you'll have to tell me what this post read. Cuz I was gonna read it, but you said I could skip it. So I did. But not before coming here to tell you I skipped it, cuz that's just how I roll.