Sunday, February 3, 2008

Sin of the week, 2/3/08

I saw him again today. This time he was crossing the street in front of my building. He didn't see me, and I confess I am glad he didn't. If three seconds of eye contact in a coffee shop can ruin a Saturday morning for me, then why permit Sunday to be similarly trashed? No, thanks.

I regret to inform you that I have no spectacular crimes to report this week. I know, I know. I am failing at the business of being openly and nakedly disgusting. But do not despair. I feel pretty sure I'll be exposed to new opportunities for success (or failure) in the coming weeks.

I have the growing impression that the ground is shifting under my feet. Either I am changing, or something else is changing in direct relation to me. One symptom of this change is that lately everywhere I go and whatever I do, I am awash in memory. People and events I have not thought of in years are turning up everywhere. I was walking back from the gym the other night and I passed a bakery. The whole block smelled of cinnamon and butter, and I suddenly I was on Hillsborough St. and I was 26 years old and my boyfriend and I were standing under a vent smelling butter and cinnamon and we had $8 between us and where could we get two hamburgers for $8? We had nothing, not even each other for much longer, but it was a good time.

Another day it was an unseasonable 50 degrees in Manhattan and I opened the windows to get the smell of bleach out from the scrubbing mania I had recently fallen into, and then I was nine and sitting on the front steps with my parents drinking tea at dusk and they were talking of putting me in Catholic school to prevent me from knowing any boys. I had tea and it was a warm summer night and the breeze was blowing and I did not mind one way or another whether I wore the plaid skirt and the knee socks or went to school with boys because boys did not interest me at all. I was happy.

And so these scenes I feel sure I would never have remembered again keep wandering in and interrupting otherwise normal days because something, I know not what, is working on me. I could not say whether the change is for good or ill, but I have to hope the former.

And of course, I readily see that I have no choice but to change, adapt, adjust, whatever one might call it. The way it is going, the way it will certainly go unless something changes... it cannot be. Whatever you say about my life as it is, that it is fun and interesting and full of adventure and so forth, it is unsustainable at best and seriously disordered at worst.

For no particular reason, a picture of sunrise the other day:

Oh, ok. I lied to my boss again this week (and I am not sorry; the lie needed telling) and one of my students appealed a grade and I let it go to the provost without even reading the paperwork. Because I don't really care. Perhaps I could work on the whole compassion and integrity thing. (Maybe).

See you tomorrow.


Dan said...

That is a beautiful sunrise. almost inspires me to get up earlier in the mornings.


LAS said...

Pretty picture! I don't have a sin to report either! But darn, I was looking forward to yours!

Sandy said...

I remember memories.....:D
That sky is GORGEOUS! Almost ALMOST worth getting up that early, eh?

Cylithria said...

Have i ever told you Nina, I love the way you right woman. I was captivated by the last post and this one . well done and now I am curious, will you see him again???


Change is coming, I have to agree. I'm not sure whether I should brace for it or just roll with it hahahaha

Is there such a thing as a rolling brace?

Let's invent one shall we ;)

jen said...

It's funny. How we think we can know someone through their website.

I concede that I don't know you at all...I've only been reading a short time and we've never met...I can't claim to know you.

And for some reason I assumed that the coffee shop happening was a good thing, but it obviously shook you up and ruined your Saturday. I'm sorry about that.

And mostly, I just want to buy you a coffee and sit and chat for a couple of hours.

UrbanHippieMama said...

can i come, too?? you intrigue me, and like the pp i feel like i know you.

what a gorgeous sunrise--thank you for sharing that.

and really amazing to have those memories coming back so vividly. i am very curious to see what happens for you...

Nina said...

Dan, it's not quite worth getting up that early. Insomnia helps a lot.

LAS, I am sure I could have come up with something dreadful if I had thought it over. But I am glad you had a good week!

Sandy, I am not sure it is worth it, but I do get up that early every day. So why not take the picture?

Cyli, yes, we need the rolling brace! And thank you for complimenting my writing. I try.

Jen, sure you know me. You just don't know about my policy against dating.

Urbanhippiemama, I am curious to find out what happens to me too. Otherwise you might say my life is flashing before my eyes in slow motion.

Maggie said...

I'd say your sin this week is avoiding the green-eyed non-monster. But you already know how I feel about giving romance a chance, and I already know your policy. SO we shall just agree to disagree...

LizB said...

I didn't realize he ruined your Saturday; how so?

Nina said...

Maggie, oh boy, do I ever not need man-interest. What a pain in the neck. But I do want to hear how the J Crew catalog is looking to you...

LizB, every once in a while, Some Guy shows up and looks twice at me and he makes me notice the loneliness. Normally I don't notice, so I am not too happy when one of these Guys shows up. I get sad. It's not fun.

didi said...


Miss jane said...