Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Reason # 4534 I am still single

It's because I am a sick, sick person. And a danger to myself and others. (Well, ok. Probably just to others).

I have friend. Her name is Julie but we call her Supajewie around here.*

I love Supajewie and would probably shrivel up and die without our daily twelve hour IM conversations. But I have one little tiny issue with Supa. It is that she is married. By all appearances, she is glad of this fact. Oh, and she has a small person. (I am ok with this. Mostly).

Yesterday we were having our usual utterly pointless conversation when I decided to ask her some harmless questions** about her husband, whom I have always suspected to be an OK person. I have no proof of this, really, but he does seem to not completely suck.



Well, yes he does. He fusses with his hair. I find this very, very unattractive. As you will now see.



NO??

People, I was there when it happened. What, you ask? Oh, the day she met her husband on the internet and moved into his house three days later, married him six months later and then commenced breeding. That's right. She was pregnant six weeks after the wedding with a guy she'd known less than a year. So obviously I have been waiting for him to turn out to be a complete ass hole. Obviously!

Next we talked about how she knows what love is and I don't.




Then I gave her some parenting tips:




Then we discussed the meaning of life. Oh I mean the great circle of life. Oh I mean marriage. And stuff.



And then there was that other important safety tip I offered:



**** edited to add photograph of actual "Little Tykes" hammer Julie uses to help her child relax****




More was said yesterday, obviously. We discussed horseradish and oysters and reminisced about going out drinking and eating like savages before she married that motherchucker I mean awesome guy and had a baby. Then we reflected that the good Lord was probably right when he chose to make me repulsive and childless. Not sure you agree?

Yeah, you do. See above. Freezer.***

Happy Tuesday.

*Go ahead and marvel at the fact that I have managed to get and keep even one friend, given my behavior.

**Go ahead and notice how amazingly rude that is.

***Oh, relax already. Julie and I have been running this gag about how to quiet her child since the child was born. I don't have children (as I have told y'all at least 134243354334534 times,) but I do know what suffering is endured by people who have screaming infants and can find no method of placating said infants. It's rough. So rough that most parents have had moments of sincere regret while holding a six week old baby at arms length because said baby is splitting your eardrums. And you have not slept more than two hours at a stretch since the moment the infant tore your body to ribbons in its effort to get born. So we joke about it. To relief the, uh, tension.

19 comments:

Julie said...

I wouldn't REALLY hit her with a hammer. Unless it was her Little Tikes hammer that goes "Goingoingoing." You don't know what Little Tikes is? I'm jealous.

P said...

This post is why I love you. This, and because you are beautiful. And because I can't help myself.

Jennifer said...

LMFAO

Thank you for making me die laughing.

Crystal said...

LOVED IT! GREAT post today! I agree with the whole thing too! The only reason why I keep the little rugrat's around these days is so I can goof off and THEY can clean! Well, that's what my momma said! LOL! Have a good one!

Finn said...

See, that's where I went wrong. I knew my husband for two years before I married him. Duh.

Em said...

I made the same mistake as finn apparently.

But, wait, do crunches and push-ups make a guy a metrosexual?

What's up with all this parenting advice, Nina? I want to hear it. I need advice.

nicoleantoinette said...

You make me all kinds of happy and this post is exactly why.

The freezer thing was damn ass hilarious.

Effortlessly Average said...

"...the good Lord was probably right when he chose to make me repulsive..."

I know! Me too! Let's get together and make totally repulsive babies! heh

Miss Britt said...

You're as good a friend as I am.

LizB said...

After I read one of your posts, I usually can't stop snickering to myself, to the point that people think I've lost it. (OK, maybe I have.) I do have to say though; now that I am with teenagers, the baby stuff pales by comparison. My nearly 17-year-old is the biggest baby you've ever seen. She has the flu, which we all know, sucks Konkey Dong; however, I don't think most 17-year-olds have to sleep with their moms when they are sick. She was running a temp of 102 last night, so it was like sleeping next to a coughing, sneezing radiator. I had thoughts of pushing her out of bed. Or a window.

Joel said...

You have to watch out for those guys you meet and marry from the Internet. Just ask my wife. :)

I don't have children (as I have told y'all at least 134243354334534 times,) but I do know what suffering is endured by people who have screaming infants and can find no method of placating said infants. It's rough. So rough that most parents have had moments of sincere regret while holding a six week old baby at arms length because said baby is splitting your eardrums.

Anyone who clucks at a parent whose rationality slips in the face of a wailing infant not only doesn't have kids, but deserves to have to babysit mine at four in the morning.

Son number four (referred to as "the Visigoth") wouldn't sleep at all if he had a suspicion that either Christina or I was asleep. It wasn't enough that one of us sat up with him; the other had to be sleep-deprived in the next room as well. At one point I found myself singing, "Hush little baby, don't cry again/Or daddy's gonna tear off your arms and legs..." Fatigue does weird things to your parental instincts.

Avitable said...

Uh oh. I'm a geeky metrosexual. I get shaves every week, I use moisturizer, and I've had my eyebrows waxed. Does that mean you can't read my blog anymore?

And you're totally not repulsive - you're hilarious and hot. And it's criminal that you think you're not!

LAS said...

You are hilarious! I love reading your blog!

Maggie said...

You are having a baby-centric blog day, aren't you?

In other news, I am apparently a sociopath, but I did place the order. Talk about putting the baby in the freezer!

Kate P said...

Nina, you silly--there's a twisted lid for every twisted pot (that wants one).

The first time I babysat a screaming child I understood why my parents were deaf (I have two sibs).

Willowtree said...

Face it, the reason you're still single is that you aren't married.

Oh, I bought some horseradish yesterday.

My Reflecting Pool said...

haha! I suppose he cant be too bad as long as he doesnt iron his jeans, undershirts and underwear.

country roads said...

ha! One more step toward awesomeness, I say :-)

Cylithria said...

OMG Nina this post is so like conversations my BF Sarie and I have. HAHAHHAHAHHA You rock Nina - and Supajewie too!!!