Would someone, anyone please tell me why it is necessary for me to be "on" Facebook"? Or "MySpace"? Please? As far as I know, MySpace is a clearinghouse for underaged people who want to find similarly inclined underage people to be naughty with. Oh and it might also be for predators who want to teach those kids a thing or two about naughtiness. Ok, to be fair, I have one friend who is clear into her thirties and is not a predator and who uses it to blog. But you know what? I rarely read because in order to do so, I would have to SIGN UP for MySpace. So I don't read it unless I am looking over the shoulder of someone who is.
And I have now been told for FOUR - yes, that's one person short of a whole hand - people that I JUST HAVE TO GET ON FACEBOOK. Three of those four people act like it is my life that is being ruined by my lack of presence on Facebook. The fourth person admits that it is really her life that is suffering because she can't "friend' me on the creature (Facebook) that I consider the third horsemen of the apocalypse. (My Space is the second).
I figure I'll know it's all over when "they" bash my door down, slice me open, and insert the pentium duo MySpaces and Faces chip straight into my neck. This has nearly already happened, by the way. That fourth friend created a Facebook account FOR ME and added me to her swarming "network" of connecto-mania. Can you top that? ON FACEBOOK, against my will. I also hear that there are pictures of me on Facebook in hers and other people accounts and that the pictures are an attempt to CALL ME OUT on the fact that I won't join their horseman.
Guess what? I ain't doin' it. Do you have any idea how much I would NOT enjoy "networking" with and by and through everyone I have ever met? If I want to find that guy I used to have a crush on in seventh grade, I'll look him up. I think I know where his momma lives. Do you have any idea how much I do not want to be "found" by that psycho swinger I briefly dated between Nice Guy 4 and Nice Guy 5? I don't need to be found. If I am lost to you, what's the big deal? I am other kinds of lost that strike me as far more important. Re"connecting" with everyone I swam with on my high school swim team is not the answer for me. OK? Can that please be OK?
Please click comment and defend Facebook if you must. But I am hoping there is at least one person left on the planet who agrees with me on this issue. This is one grid I am determined to stay off.
Oh and if you are reading this and looking at the time it was posted, you pretty much know that I am not sleeping, like, ever. The resulting confusion is reaching biblical plague-like severity. I was on the phone with someone for an hour last night (yes, I just checked the call history in my shiny new iPhone) and I don't really know what we talked about. You reading this, honey? If we exchanged any vital information, please email* it to me. I remember "sock" "housekeeper" "it's kind of painful after 60 miles or so" and "we meet half way." Thanks.
All this is a long way of saying I am going straight to the doctor when I get out of class this afternoon. (I wonder if I will remember what I teach my students today? Never mind. They definitely won't, so I don't guess it matters). Anyway when I get to the doctor I will tell her my sad story and she will tell me how I am working too much and under too much stress and how what I really need is step away from the computer and do what creatures of my mental, physical and emotional disposition ought to be doing, which is physical work. These are modern times, so that means I should be in the gym, wearing my body out instead of my brain. If these were not modern times, I would have made an excellent serf in medieval Europe. I am indestructible. I never wear out. Oh except if you make me sit at a desk all day and read papers written by nineteen year olds who were typing with one hand and MySpacing with the other.
Apocalypse, I tell you. The end is near.
* I know it's absurd to ask you to email me information you already spoke straight into my ear, but please note that I specified "vital' information, such as anything you think I might want to remember. Thank you.