Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sin of the Week, 3/16/08

You might want to leave if you are a good person. Definitely leave if you are Catholic.

Yesterday, I was determined NOT to do two things:

1) work
2) be stressed

That was going ok up until about noon, when I got an email message from someone. The person who sent the email wants something from me that I don’t especially think he or she needs, and in any case I think is absurd to ask for, especially since I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT on a pretty grand scale. Let me be less clear: I don’t want to give it for all the above reasons and one more: the person asked me for the wrong thing. Go to all the trouble to ask, and you ask me for a carrot instead of an apple and ruin my entire day – oh wait – weekend, by forcing me to reflect on everything that has happened. Nice going.

So yesterday I was trying really energetically not to be upset and it was not working. I found myself running the monologue in my head – all the things I would like very much to say and can never say because why hurt people if it won’t change anything? Especially since I know it won't make me feel better anyway?

I got into the shower in an attempt to wash off the badness. While scrubbing, I had the following extraordinary, even for me, thought:

Stop expecting me to pretend everything is ok. It is not ok. When you decided to heap a whole lot of withering misery on me, you, who are supposed to know everything, misunderstood how much I could take. In case you have not noticed, it was too much. I can’t recover. I can’t sleep at night without a gross of drugs and sometimes alcohol because you trashed everything that meant anything to me, including any hope I ever had of having a family of my own – at the same time as you destroyed the family I had. I don’t even like my dad anymore because of the way he’s treated me in his undeadness. As you know, fuckhead, you've heaped some additional losses on us for no real reason except that you suck, and today, apparently, I am forced to engage in a whole real lot more drama - and I don't have a choice, since refusing to play this game will negatively effect my dad. UNTHANKS FOR THAT. So, officially, heading into Holy Week, I’d just like to say fuck off with your yearly commemoration of what went really wrong for you. I don’t want to hear it.

And then I got out of the shower, dried my hair and reflected that I meant every word of that and much worse,* too.

I have been trying hard to act like I am not angry, like I am confused or sad or something less ugly. It’s just not true. I am furious. I am not grateful that I am a fat, privileged American woman with clean water and diamonds and climbing gear. The only things that really matter in life are things I don’t have and never will, and I am sick to death of acting like it’s ok, of acting like I am not mad, of acting like I can bear up and take it. I can’t, which is why I am awake at 4 in the morning after having taken a full complement of supposedly sleep inducing drugs, writing this.

Have a better Palm Sunday than this, please. I'll see you tomorrow (unless a crane falls on me for no apparent reason and the whole thing thusly ends).

*This version has been cleaned up by about 800%. Don't even try to imagine what I really said unless you want permanent brain damage.


Em said...

Never say never, Nina. You don't know what the future holds for you.

DumDiDum said...

It's ok to be mad, Nina. It's allowed. I don't know your life and the people in it so I can't say if you should let them know you're angry or not. But if you feel angry, then you're entitled to be. I used to convince myself that my emotions:

a) were my hormones
b) were exhaustion because of too much work and too little sleep
c) could be ignored because things would surely get better when I got over this feeling of panic, so why mess things up even worse?

When I couldn't take bottling things up anymore I got an overwhelming urge to run away and leave everything behind. Pretend I was dead and start a new life. Then I started asking myself WHY I worked so much and WHY I kept waking up every two hours in the night feeling like crying without knowing why. Instead of seeing my "condition" as a result of these thing.

I ended up making some changes to my life and hurting some people - badly. But I have never regretted it. And the best thing was that when I had made my decision I felt peace. Even though I knew that the storm was now outside me instead of inside and it was going to be one hell of a job to ride it off. Suddenly I had a strength allowing me to stand upright in the midst of chaos.

This isn't telling you what to do or how to feel. Only you know your misery and you're entitled to feel whatever you feel. And as my Mum said to me when I went through hell: The world isn't going under.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who cares about how you are.

Finn said...

If you don't let yourself feel what you feel, it won't leave you. As you are discovering.

Feel it. Wallow in it for a bit. Get to know if really well. Then you'll be able to let it go.


Julie said...

You know, I heard the pre-cleaned up version and didn't think it truly qualified as a sin. I don't think this one does either. You have every right to be pissed off. I just wish daily that I could do even just a little bit to help.

LAS said...

Oh Nina, I'm so right there with you. I'm fucking pissed. About everything. And I can't get over it either and I can't make sense of it and I can't move on.

Rick said...

I find it comforting.. you know, after I've dealt with whatever shit I'm dealing with and I can reflect on the situation.. that there's a voice inside me, that is me, that is willing to be honest with me and possibly even a bad-ass when giving me the big picture.

I'd love to say more, except, I do not think more is needed. Loves.

Woodrow said...

I wish that me saying something would help. But even if it would, then I would just be wishing to know what to say.

M@ said...

I didn't realize until today when speaking to my mother that it's Palm Sunday. Sonofabitch.

--Lapsed Catholic, Atheist

Annie said...

I won't try to say something to help, because it won't, it would probably piss you off more :-). I will send you lots of hugs and love, hope that helps a bit.

Avitable said...

I wish I could buy you clean water and diamonds!

P said...

Sending you a big hug. That's all, because I know how it feels to be so pissed that there are no words that help.

Dagny said...

It's ok to be totally pissed the fuck off.

I know I am for certain reasons that you are aware of. And I'll be damned if I am going to pretend I am happy about the things life has decided that I 'should' have vs what I 'want'. Which are usually the exact fucking opposite of each other.

Anyway, I am sorry.

You rock.


country roads said...

I feel for you...and I wish I could say something better :-)

123Valerie said...

Oh, doll. I'm in there like swimwear. Thanks for having the guts to share with us.