Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Larry, WPITW, Part Six

Read Larry, WPITW, parts one, two and three, four and five here... here... and here, here, and here.

While waiting for a text back from Larry, Bibi and Sri compared notes and discovered the following interesting facts about their respective relationships:

1) He had a designated night for each of them. Sri's was Tuesday. Bibi's was Sunday. Other nights of the week were spotty at best.

2) Over 50% of the texts he sent were duplicates, meaning he had sent them identical texts. It was commonplace for him to wake up in the morning and send a text that said "Good morning, how are you today? :-)" and send it to both of them. One of the more amusing identical texts were "Hi, just passed your apartment on my way back from a meeting. Thinking about you. :-)" Bibi and Sri live on opposite ends of town.

3) He had used the same script to get both of them. He said: "I know I shouldn't do this but I really can't resist. It's bad for the group for people to be in relationships but I am just so drawn to you" and "It's really hard for me to act like we are just friends when I am feeling this way, but I know it's important. When people start to catch on, I just tell them we are really close friends. You should tell them that too" and "You are just so beautiful that I can't help myself."

4) He had a designated restaurant and a designated movie theater for each of them. He never wanted to go anywhere else or try anything else and he never wanted to see them outside their respective neighborhoods. He always came to their places and was always too tired to do anything but grab dinner and grab some ass and fall asleep.

5) He never allowed either of them to see his apartment, despite multiple queries about it. He had told both of them "it's just too embarrassing. I work all the time and there are papers and boxes everywhere. It looks like a construction site. I just can't have you over."*

5) He had used an identical script in bed. It involved (close your eyes if you are uncomfortable with sexuality discussed in a less than sexy way) undressing them, pulling them on top of him, penetrating, saying "you are so beautiful" flipping them over, pulling their knees up with his hands, and then - GET THIS - pulling out just before orgasm, putting on the condom, re-penetrating and then having an orgasm and then promptly falling brain-dead asleep. This routine was consistent and identical in each relationship. If that doesn't sound remarkable, picture being in a relationship in which the sex is precisely, exactly the same, right down to the dialogue, each time. ??? Bibi had been putting up with that for over a year, and Sri had been for three months.

6) If that doesn't disgust you, please note that unless he was in the middle of orgasm, he refused to wear a condom. Pregnancy? SCARY. Communicable diseases? Whatever. He even went so far as to tell them both "oh come on, I haven't been with hardly anybody. You know how shy I am."

The list of horrors discovered by Bibi and Sri that evening are, I am sure, not fully known to me. But the Great Screaming Sidewalk Hissy Fit of 2007 has been related to me many times. It is as follows:

Larry didn't show up at Bibi's when she text him. He knew Sri would be there so instead of taking it on the chin, he went about his night as if nothing had happened. Luckily, Bibi had a very good idea of what that night would entail and where to find him. She alo knew that if she and Sri jumped in a cab, odds were 99:1 they would find him at a particular location and that he would be with about 10 other people, including Pax and Joe.

As luck would have it, not only was Bibi correct about where to find Larry and who would be there, but Bibi and Sri also had the great good luck of finding him leaving a bar, such that everyone was there on the corner with him. When the cab pulled up and Bibi and Sri got out, Pax instantly knew something was wrong. Larry walked over to the cab and tried to herd the girls away from the rest of their friends. Pax, seeing what was about to happen, herded our friends the other way. But by the time Bibi's feet hit the ground, she was screaming at him - and by the time Sri's feet hit the ground, the screaming was in stereo. They screamed the things you might expect: Rat bastard, piece of garbage, no good lying loser-fuckhead, and more terms I am sure I know nothing of. Then they shoved their phones with the identical text messages displayed into his face and screamed "dont' we deserve unique texts?" and then Bibi really lowered the boom is said "You SMELL horrible and you SUCK in bed." Then Sri lowered it a bit further by saying "I FAKED it. Every time. And you have a TINY, LITTLE, DICK." Then, because the two of them are so awesome, they re-enacted his whole sex routine, in full detail, including the breathless unwrapping of the condom and the instant coma. How did Larry respond to all this?

Keep in mind that about 20 feet off, where Pax was shielding our friends from the disaster that was unfolding, people could certainly tell what the problem was. Keep in mind that the stream of pedestrian traffic surrounding this little gem of spacefuckedup goodness slowed to a halt to watch. What do you suppose Larry said?

Larry said, "What was I supposed to do? You are both so beautiful that I just couldn't help it."

Gosh, was that ever the wrong thing to say. Because by this time, Sri, being a real spit-fire, was back to high volume name screaming. Bibi had started to cry and had walked away. When Sri was done screaming, she rejoined Bibi and the two of them found a bar, called me, and proceeded to get thoroughly drunk. I can't say I blame them.

I was out with Lola and Merry that night, or I would have joined Bibi and Sri instantly. But I didn't answer my phone when Sri called, and so I got in on the Great Larry Debacle the next morning, when Sri called. By the end of the day, Monday, I was in email contact with Larry pretty much every hour. Despite the Great Sidewalk Hissy Fit of 2007, which, as previously noted, took place in front of a sizeable audience, he still wanted to me try to keep this thing quiet. I was, as you will see, trying my best not to be a complete bitch to him, and at the same time, trying to get it through that he was in serious trouble. It was then that I finally understood why he had been sucking up to me all those long months. He knew if I left him, others would follow. And he knew the opportunity cost, in terms of new people, was huge if I abandoned him.

The following emails are nearly word for word what was said between Larry and me that day.

To; Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
Re: wow
Date: June 3, 2007 4:02pm


Curious, why do you think it would do any good to calm anybody down? I'll try, since you asked, but what's the point?


From: Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
To: Nina@youareadeadman,org
Date: June 3, 2007 4:14pm
Subject: re: wow


I was hoping your calming influence might help. It turns out they are telling everyone. Please help me. Do what you can.


From: Nina@youareadeadman,org
To: Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
Date: June 4, 2007 4:51pm
Subject: re: re: wow

Again, Larry, what's the point? This is obviously too much for me to contain. You're caught. Who cares? What would it help if I could calm them down?

From: Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
To: Nina@youareadeadman.org
Date: June 4, 2007 5:11pm
Subject: re: re: re: wow

Please stop them. Help me. I need your help.

From: Nina@youareadeadman.org
To; Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
Re: who cares?
Date: June 5, 2007 5:35pm


Please tell me what would be accomplished by them not talking. I understand to a point that you want to protect your reputation. But everyone knows. What's the big deal?


From: Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
To; Nina@youareadeadman.org
Re: who cares?
Date: June 5, 2007 6:16pm

Not everyone knows. But no, it's not like my reputation was any good to start with, so it's not that, and I will lose friends, yeah, but that's not it. I just don't want anyone else to get hurt.

From: Nina@youareadeadman.org
To: Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
Re: what the fuck?
Date: June 5, 2007 6:57pm

Like who? We already know about others. Why not just disclose it all? People are upset and they couldn't be more so even if you added more people to the list. What do you have to hide, at this point?

From: Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
To: Nina@youareadeadman.org
Re: re: what the fuck?
Date: June 3, 2007 7:01pm

Please just help me. I need your help.

From: Nina@youareadeadman.org
To: Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
Re: re: re: what the fuck?
Date: June 4, 2007 7:30pm


I will do what I reasonably can.


From: Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
To: Nina@youareadeadman.org
Re: thanks
Date: June 4, 2007 8:04pm

You have no idea how much it means to me that you are still here for me and that you will talk to me. Please help me. I need to change and it is going to be hard. You are such a good listener, Please help me with this. I need to change and not be like this anymore and I need help. Please help me.

From: Nina@yousuckmonkeyshit.org
To: Larry@circlingthedrain.net
Re: re: thanks
Date: June 4, 2007 8:40pm

I don't mind the loss of time and energy listening to people, but I am not sure you know what it's like for me to find out you were screwing all my friends and forcing them to lie to me and each other. I care about you, and lots of other people care about you too, but I can't offer you any help under the guise that you believe I approve, even in some small way, of what you've been doing. If you want my help, you have to listen to everything I have to say about this, not just what you want to hear.

From: Larry@ninthcircleofhell.net
To: Nina@yLarrysucksmonkeyshit.org
Re: re: re: thanks
Date: June 4, 2007 9:00pm

OK. Send email explaining.

To: Larry@ninthcircleofhell.net
From; Nina@Larrysucksmonkeyshit.org
Date: June 4, 2007 9:16pm
Subject: OK


Before I do explain to you my why all this is upsetting to me, you should know that we've now talked to Misty, Darcy, and Kerri. We suspect also Val and Jenny and others too.


From: Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
To:: Nina@you'rearatbastard.org
Re: re: OK
Date: June 4, 2007 9:18pm




That's it. I say, "I know how many other people you did this to" and all Larry had to say was "ok?" I was beyond in shock. I had drama-brokered enough for one day. I went to bed.

At 4:22 in the morning, in blackberry started wiggling. I looked at it. The message was from Larry.

From: Larry@spacefuckcrazy.net
To:: Nina@Larrysucksmonkeyshit.org
Re: recruitment
Date: June 5, 2007 4:22am

Hi Nina!

I wanted to follow up with you about recruiting more teachers into our circle of friends. Teachers have the summers off and they also get more time at Christmas and New Years, so it would great if we could find more people who can take trips with us. Let's discuss soon!


I was, of course, astonished by this email. It made no sense to me whatsoever until I thought it all the way through. And then it hit me.

Larry was not only trying to get me to replenish his supply of ass - but he was somehow, someway, making money doing this. It didn't take long for me to piece together how. Nor did it take me another moment beyond this email to finally get it through my head that Larry, while the WPITW, is irretrievably, hopelessly insane.

Later tonight, I will post the full content of my reply to Larry's "recruitment" email. I will also explain how Larry was making money from screwing all these women, and I will explain what happened next as much as I am able, taking into consideration, of course, that I have 50,000,000,000 papers to grade.

Part seven, later. Part eight, next week.

Have a good Tuesday. (And thank you for reading).


em said...

He was making MONEY by screwing them? Oh wow. And the sex. . .God, how ridiculous!

Persephone said...

This is the best story. Ever. I'm serious. I'm loving every minute of it, except when I remember that there are real people involved who got completely screwed over.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like this Larry has had more ass than everyone in my county has...

Hopefully he's been stopped. He's ruining my reputation.

Kinda sucks though, the way he was putting you in the middle.

Liz said...

Wow. Sounds truly insane. But not all that unfamiliar. A different neighborhood for each one, eh? Hmmm, makes me wonder if somebody I know is just smart enough to keep his women in different cities.

Woodrow said...

You're welcome.

Thank you for writing.

Monkey Diarist said...

I am not sure what is more appalling... Larry's behavior toward people he considered friends or the fact that any of you still communicate with him at all. Part of me is sickened by reading about this, the other part fascinated by how big this guys balls are...

Nina said...

Em, yeah... reminds me of "it puts the lotion on its skin and or else it gets the hose again." And yes, the system for cashing in was (I am sorry IS) pure genius.

Persephone, most of the girls were over this in a week or two, tops. The real worry is not them but the women he's likely to do this to in the future.

Slick, more of me being in the middle later... but yes, he did put me in the middle and yes I permitted it. (Duh).

Liz, Larry had a girl in eight different neighborhoods in Manhattan. We are pretty sure there was one in Queens and another in Brooklyn. More on this later.

Woodrow, nice to see you, as always.

Monkey Diarist, thanks for stopping by and commenting. We are still in touch because of the money involved, but that's not the only reason. More on this later. Oh, and I have it on good authority that his entire man-unit situation is on the small side. Just saying.

ByJane said...


Google Borderline Personality Disorder. It's all there: the self-mutilation, the spacing out, the multiple relationships, and so on.

Borderline's are the most difficult people to treat in therapy; shrinks dread when one arrives. They are frequently paired off in some way with someone with narcissistic personality issues. The needs of each compliment the other.

LAS said...

Do you know that I checked at 6:50 a.m. this morning - hoping against hope that you had posted the latest installment just after midnight...ha ha ha...then had to wait, then discovered you had posted it later - but couldn't read it until now...and here I am, in suspense again!!! I'm just so shocked I don't even know what to say. It's unreal. This can't be real.

Nina said...

Jane, Bingo.

LAS, It's very real. And the most messed up thing I have ever seen.