Why, for example, do I adamantly refuse to drink coffee with the merest dash of sugar in it, and then gaze longingly at the gummy bear rack in the bodega? And then buy and EAT THEM?
Below, transcript between Supajewie and myself regaring gummy bears:
I leave you to guess which side of this conversation is mine. But I think you know.
Hint: Fangses.
***
For three nights in a row, I have dreamt of having a boyfriend. No, I did not dream up any porn. Don't be so gross.
In these dreams, I had a boyfriend walking around Manhattan with me. (One of the dreams featured a shopping mall in Minnesota, but whatever). This turn of dreamtime events puzzles me. My waking self very much wants to be alone and does not have doubts about this feeling, not-a-one. However, waking self is also aware that a famous headologist of yesteryers who was a nutter himself (but that's not the point) claimed that desires are revealed in dreams.
So this morning I asked myself with all earnestness whether I would like someone to hold hands with. The answer, much to my astonishment, is yes.
Damnit. Now, to hold hands I have at my service the lovely, smart and funny Jib. He'll also make out with me if I want and if I were of an emotional constitution to get naked with someone I could not achieve proper pair-bonding with, I am sure he could be persuaded. But beyond movie watching and hand holding, I should leave Jib alone. He wants a real relationship and we both know we are not a match, sympatico notwithstanding.
My thought, then, is to carefully monitor both dreams and waking thoughts for signs of not being a total droid. Since no one here knows my real name except Lola and Supajewie, I will report the results here, even if the results are embarrassing. (They will be embarrassing - and also boring. Other people have a few drinks and go home with the nearest willing sailor. What do I do? Monitor my feelings. *Yawn*).
***
I did a bunch of grading yesterday, so I permitted myself to review (again) my yarn stash. There is plenty of yarn for all the projects I have on my list. After careful monitoring of my feelings, I understood that having my yarn stash diminish to levels not previously recorded makes me uncomfortable.
So after I am done grading today, and after I meet Sri and Bibi to climb, I am off to Big Al's Yarn-o-rama.
I am giddy with anticipation. I love yarns.
Happy Saturday.
*Her name is Julie. When Liam was going through his "super" phase, he prefixed everything he approved of with the word "super," ie: SupaNini, SupaMommy, SupaDaddy, SupaBobby, SupaDump-truck, etc. Liam is a patient creature, capable of having long, abstract conversation with larger versions of humans. So at about a year and a half old, after listening to me talk about how much I like my friend Julie in North Carolina, something clicked and Liam stopped me and said, "It's a Supajewie." He was exactly right, of course. Learning to pronounce the letters "R" and "L" came much later, during the "make a noise" phase of development, about which I will write some other day. Maybe.
7 comments:
I hate gummies but love your conversation about eating them.
"real corn syrup and extra dye #5" is totally something I would say.
I like that term headologist.
Your comment on my post was exactly how I am feeling. it is very, very annoying but I am going to have to suck it up.
I often dream of having a boyfriend. Course, since I'm currently married it's a slightly different situation then yours, and the dreams have a different meaning. But maybe not, I really just want to have someone to hold hands with too!
I look forward to the monitoring of your feelings. I doubt it will be boring.
Here's another way of looking at dreams: that you are all parts of it. So this would not be an urge to have a boyfriend to hold hands with but an urge to hold your own hand, give yourself what you imagine said boyfriend would give.
Nines, it is totally okay to want to have a boyfriend, even if you don't want to marry them. Holding hands is nice. Phone calls are nice. Companionship is nice.
I spent 9 years in New York, and somehow the city convinced me that to want companionship is a Bad Thing, is a Sign of Weakness. I don't know what it is about the city and it's emphasis on going it alone, so strange. Look how everyone would rather live in a tiny studio alone, instead of a big apartment with lots of space and a deck, but also roommates. And in what other city would Larry *possibly* have been able to convince several women to date him but keep it a secret?
Anyway, I left New York and I got a boyfriend and he is very nice. My friends like him, my family likes him, he holds my hand, and I don't have to marry him. DOn't overthink it, just try it out. Maybe even try it out with Jib, you never know.
(and sorry I've been off radar of late, been in Italy with said boyfriend. And no, we did not get engaged, though everyone is asking...)
LizB, you are better off not liking the gummies.
Lisa B, thanks for stopping by. Headologist is the only thing I could think of to call her that didn't make me cringe. Hang in there re: that annoying person.
Em, I haven't had time to ask myself how I feel today but I am pretty sure I'd still like to hold hands with someone.
Jane, I love it when you stop by here because you always have a way of looking at things that I never thought of before. Of course I be able to give myself what I need - or meet my own needs. Perfectly true. I am not even sure it's a boyfriend I want as much as just someone. Not sure.
Maggie! Good to see you. I am so glad you were off having fun in Italy with your boyfriend. That sounds lovely... Don't you hate it when people bug you about getting engaged? As if that decision isn't hard enough without other people tossing their opinions and needs into your life? EEE. FB and I hated that. Anyway.
What you said about New York is so true. Everyone here is the lone warrior - so determined to self reliant and self contained. I need to get out of here, I think. I just can't seem to break away. Maybe 2008? Until then, perhaps I'll find a hand holding person, perhaps not.
I truly loved New York when I was there. But now I am so so happy to be away. I still visit a lot, and I love it more for the visiting, without the stress of the living there. Did you ever see My Dinner With Andre? Andre says something about how we have become the prison guards of the very institution that confines us, that we've drunk the Kool-Aid, pretty much. And it's true, and then you leave, and life is so much less stressful and warmer and more communal.
Anyway, if you ever want to come to Boston, we have lots of schools up here, and at least two climbing gyms (I'm looking for a partner!) and snow.
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