I am a person of many conflicts.
Why, for example, do I adamantly refuse to drink coffee with the merest dash of sugar in it, and then gaze longingly at the gummy bear rack in the bodega? And then buy and EAT THEM?
Below, transcript between Supajewie and myself regaring gummy bears:
I leave you to guess which side of this conversation is mine. But I think you know.
For three nights in a row, I have dreamt of having a boyfriend. No, I did not dream up any porn. Don't be so gross.
In these dreams, I had a boyfriend walking around Manhattan with me. (One of the dreams featured a shopping mall in Minnesota, but whatever). This turn of dreamtime events puzzles me. My waking self very much wants to be alone and does not have doubts about this feeling, not-a-one. However, waking self is also aware that a famous headologist of yesteryers who was a nutter himself (but that's not the point) claimed that desires are revealed in dreams.
So this morning I asked myself with all earnestness whether I would like someone to hold hands with. The answer, much to my astonishment, is yes.
Damnit. Now, to hold hands I have at my service the lovely, smart and funny Jib. He'll also make out with me if I want and if I were of an emotional constitution to get naked with someone I could not achieve proper pair-bonding with, I am sure he could be persuaded. But beyond movie watching and hand holding, I should leave Jib alone. He wants a real relationship and we both know we are not a match, sympatico notwithstanding.
My thought, then, is to carefully monitor both dreams and waking thoughts for signs of not being a total droid. Since no one here knows my real name except Lola and Supajewie, I will report the results here, even if the results are embarrassing. (They will be embarrassing - and also boring. Other people have a few drinks and go home with the nearest willing sailor. What do I do? Monitor my feelings. *Yawn*).
I did a bunch of grading yesterday, so I permitted myself to review (again) my yarn stash. There is plenty of yarn for all the projects I have on my list. After careful monitoring of my feelings, I understood that having my yarn stash diminish to levels not previously recorded makes me uncomfortable.
So after I am done grading today, and after I meet Sri and Bibi to climb, I am off to Big Al's Yarn-o-rama.
I am giddy with anticipation. I love yarns.
*Her name is Julie. When Liam was going through his "super" phase, he prefixed everything he approved of with the word "super," ie: SupaNini, SupaMommy, SupaDaddy, SupaBobby, SupaDump-truck, etc. Liam is a patient creature, capable of having long, abstract conversation with larger versions of humans. So at about a year and a half old, after listening to me talk about how much I like my friend Julie in North Carolina, something clicked and Liam stopped me and said, "It's a Supajewie." He was exactly right, of course. Learning to pronounce the letters "R" and "L" came much later, during the "make a noise" phase of development, about which I will write some other day. Maybe.