Thursday, August 21, 2008

Chaos weary

I have held down my "whatever" to the extent that I have not been evicted or fired from anything. Yet.

All this reflection is leading me to a better understanding of what I already knew: I am doing okay, sure. But really what I am doing it what I always do: deny, distract, engage in my own special brand of chaos, which I will not describe because you'd be bewildered anyway. Suffice it to say that every day, I wake up with the same set up plans and every day I engage in different plans - plans I had not planned on and that do me no good, not to mention other people. Who does it help, exactly, to bleach my shower curtain when I know full well that I am moving out of here in six weeks? Where is the up-side to a searching a fearless shoe inventory - during which I dispassionately relieve my closet of all but ten essential pairs.

Someone at Salvation Army is going to be out of her mind with barely worn shoe-pleasure. Don't even get me started about the vacuuming. Of the bamboo blinds. That could surely have waited, too.

I did do some actual time-sensitive work today, but only after I disassembled the desk and swept all the crumbs out of the drawer joints.

I get that it's better than passing out in a mouldering pile of my own filthy laundry..., but shit... shouldn't that laundry be done already? Does the zero-underwear moment really need to arrive before I reconnect to what's real and what's right?

Can someone save me from myself? Why cannot I focus on, um, the business of my life? Why?

See if you can answer that while I climb a ladder and dust the crown molding. The rags and vinegar-water are waiting and I... I really think I am going to do it.


Avitable said...

Who can expect you to really be able to concentrate? Mundane tasks keep your body busy while your mind can rest.

Now if only you were knitting me socks . . .

catherine said...

omg, we are more alike than i even thought. Except you actually clean stuff.

sybil law said...

I agree with Adam. I mean, those tasks are serving a purpose. I love cleaning for this reason: it's something that you get immediate results from. You can clean, and then step back and look at it. That can be very beneficial. Not to mention that your mind kinda zones out while you're doing it. It's a weird form of meditation.
Anyway, I wish I lived close to you.

Matt said...

It seems to me that what you are doing is what's real and what's right. I don't think there's any particular shame in struggling when your whole world has shifted. It would be troubling if all of this had happened and you didn't. That's what always made Martha Stewart so creepy, she looked and acted the same on T.V as she did in handcuffs. Ok, maybe that's only part of what made her creepy.

Finn said...

Trust your heart. It knows what it needs to heal. As long as the essentials are getting done so you can survive, don't sweat it.

Rick(y) said...

I do this very same thing during or after or sometime involving some really low times. I think of the act of cleaning the house in a fever as related to exerting creative control and will on your environment to create a comfortable place to recover or grow.

Don't forget the dirty place on top of your doors.

Annie said...

I always clean when I am in denial
:-). I cleaned today too, instead of looking for a job...Trust yourself.