Sometimes, however, denial is briefly arrested and I must face the general unpleasantness. I got a box in the mail from my step-mother today, containing the following items:
A crystal paperweight that I bought him (with his money) for his birthday when I was seven years old. He had kept it on his desk for thirty years.
She also sent me his class ring from college, which he wore throughout my childhood - but rarely wore after he retired. It's on a string around my neck. (Except for the moment when I took it off so I could take this picture for you).
The thing is, despite all this river business, I know it's going to really jump up and bite me in the ass one day soon that I am spending the weeks post End of the World (version 2.2) acting like nothing at all has happened. Seriously. I drink ginger ale and I work on stuff. With enough controlled substances, I sleep. It's almost like nothing ever happened, except it totally did, and maybe I am just not ready to even leave the Egyptian river. The real danger of drowning will ramp up when I get out. So I ain't doin' it. Stayin' in.
(Not nearly as off my nut as this post suggests. But getting my paper weight and my dad's college ring in the mail does get a girl's head above water for a moment. She does not like it and so back under water she goes. Maybe tomorrow I'll surface again for a minute or two, but that's not a promise).
(Still appreciating you - will post more about that (the appreciation) tomorrow).
Have a good weekend, and thank you for reading.
10 comments:
That must have been hard.
It's OK to just come up for air a little at a time.
And to dunk back down when it stings like hell.
<3
Those are beautiful, Nina. They speak thousands of words. I wish you had more than that but I am glad you have them.
I believe there are no rules about coping and grieving, Nina, short of "no causing immediate injury to yourself or others," so please just know I hold you and your intentions in my thoughts and prayers, and be kind to yourself. :)
I am with Kate P. I am so glad you received something, and something important and so meaningful. My best friend's father died two months ago and he is just now feeling it. You just go with the flow and you will be fine, don't worry about what you are or are not doing. Loads of love headed your way.
i'm glad too, that you have these things, these memories.
xo
Although receiving these things was painful, I'm glad you have them. The meaning they have for you is something to hang on to. Keep swimming.
Tread water - carefully.
Because you are one helluva swimmer. Obviously. :)
xoxo
Don't be hard on yourself. For everything you've been through and continue to go through, I'd say that you are doing just fine. I'd worry if you said that everything is peachy keen, nifty and a-ok.
There will be time to deal later. 8 months out, I find myself dealing more than right when it happened.
I think it's beautiful that you are wearing the ring around your neck. As Annie said, you just go with the flow of your river there, for as long as you need. Though I don't think it's really denial, so much as a normal stage of grief. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Seems like you've been doing an excellent job of it so far.
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