Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Seeing

Seeing my father disinherited his natural children and left his entire estate to my step-mother, and seeing as my step-mother has already emptied my father's estate of all its assets, and seeing as there is nothing left of my mother's in the house but a wedding picture and a few old quilts, and seeing as our step-mother is too busy popping pills and eating grief chocolate to talk to any of us... seeing as all that is true, I find myself feeling pretty good.

We - my brother, my sister and I - did nothing wrong - not to anyone. My dad got used and manipulated and so did we, but my brother, sister, and I did nothing wrong. Our intentions were good from A to Z.

What all that has to do with the blog, I have no idea. When I started blogging, it wasn't about anything, but it became about this. Now that there is no this, I find myself not knowing what to say.

Does anyone remember what I used to talk about? Does anyone remember who I was before this? Can someone remind me?

No need to answer that. I have a lot to do and I am sure you do, too.

12 comments:

Avitable said...

You talked about you and your life and your sins and your horribly stupid students.

catherine said...

i think the blog became about this because your life became about this. When your life comes out of this era and becomes whatever it's about next, so will the blog, if you continue writing to us online (which I very much hope you do. Very much). Finding yourself in radically different circumstances changes things, but I have a feeling that ascending rocky peaks, grammar, punctuation and usage, your loved people, NYC, rotten students, Cathead, asking questions of yourself and others, and pics of the view from your window, among other familiar things, will still hold truck when it comes to deciding what to talk about.

M@ said...

Are you looking for a hitman? Email me.

Em said...

You talked about what was on your mind, and what was going on in your life... it became about this because this is what was on your mind and what was going on in your life. And that's really OK. That's kind of why I read blogs.

I think you should change to a template with a white background... maybe you'll have more to say then. Just a suggestion. :-)

e! said...

This is your blog and you can write about whatever it is that floats your boat. On the topic of the disinheritance though... would an inheritance make your grief disappear? Does questioning your father's decision (whether it was due to manipulation or a need to reward his current wife for sticking by him for better or worse, through sickness and in health, til death do they part) make you feel better? If it does, then by all means continue to do it. Personally, I would hate to waste time wallowing in self-pity or agonizing over what someone else received that should be mine. Your mileage may vary though :)

Annie said...

You talked about your life Nina and this became your life, but now it isn't, so you can go back to talking about your stupid students
:-). I feel so badly about what your dad did, I think manipulated or not, he has to share some of the blame. Best bet is to walk away and begin your life as new. I hope you share it with us. Big hugs.

Dagny said...

Oh man.

I know of what you speak. The seeing.

The trying to remember who you were before all the crap hit....I wish I knew who I was too.

I hope you find her again.

xoxoxoxo

Sizzle said...

I'm glad you can know that you and your siblings did nothing wrong. I would hate to see you think otherwise. It's incredibly sad that your Dad did that, whatever his reasons. You always speak so highly of him so I will reserve judgment. Just know that you are still you and you still have things to say...once the dust settles and you can see again.

Rick(y) said...

In my opinion, what you used to talk about isn't so important as what you would talk about now.

Finn said...

You talk about whatever you need to talk about. This is now. Something else will be later. And we'll be here.

I think everyone else has accurately stated what you used to blog about.

nightfly said...

Don't despair, Nina. You don't have to blog if you don't want to - but please don't despair. Your life is in how you live it, and not in what other people do to you. All you can do is choose your next step.

I'm sure you will choose well. Just one step is all you need in the beginning.

Maggie said...

Oh, Cathead. Oh, the wonderful Sin of the Week! Don't you know that everything that comes flowing off your typing fingers is meaningful?

I understand that the inheritance does not affect your grief, but that it does feel like a slap in the face. And that slap affects your mourning, making you feel confused and adding a new dimension of hurt. Also, obviously, it's given you an outside-world struggle to deal with in addition to the struggles in your heart.

But girl, take the quilts! Take the wedding photos! Act now, while she's all woozy from pills and chocolate!