Two weeks ago, the headologist gave me samples of a drug we'll call Don'tFuckUp, in about half the recommended dose. I was not in favor of taking this drug because its known side effects are oh, a bunch of stuff that didn't happen plus insomnia. Guess what did happen? Insomnia! Which is why I am posting at half past one when I have to be at the headologist at six.
Why at six?
As previously mentioned, Dr. Bootstraps awakens each day at 4am because it is healthy. Actually, now that I plumb the depths of memory, I believe the word she used was civilized.
Anyway, today is my follow up appointment with Dr. B - scheduled because it is civilized at 6:00am on the Upper East Side, which might as well be North Dakota for me, as far as that goes.
The real reason Dr. Bootstraps wants to see me at this unsociable hour, in my untutored opinion, is because it's very difficult to hide anything from anyone at 6:00am. If I am hung over, she'll know. If I haven't slept, she'll know. And of course, if I simply don't make it she'll know.
It is now 1:30am, and I have to get up and be out the door (wearing an outfit with no visible stain OR holes) by 530 to have a prayer of making it to headologist's office on time.
The plan I will try to sell to Dr. Bootstraps, Phd, includes me staying on the LOWER dose medicine she has me on right now - a medicine, by the way, that is harmful to developing fetuses, but also very helpful, if you are, you know.... BI-POLAR.*
Guess why I would ask her to buy into this plan? Because much to my disgust, I feel better. I don't feel great or anything, but I am better able to do my job and I think about my dad about 50% as much as I used to. When I do think about him I am all like, oh, he is still alive, or? I am bugged out half the night and then the rest of the night I am having nightmares about everyone I know dying - but I am wondering if just wearing myself clean out at the gym might counteract some of that.
But I refuse to do is DOUBLE the dose of Don'tFuckUp, because I am pretty sure if I do, I will never sleep again.
If she argues, I am going to ask her to give me a drug that makes me unable to feel anything at all, sort of like megahits of xanax but without the sadness and the impaired motor skills. Or a lobotomy. That might be nice.
Will disclose all details of my psychiatric evaluation upon return. Thank you for reading.
* I am not bi-polar. There is a long and dull story regarding my first visit to Dr. Bootstraps and her interest in my family medical history - which concluded in her discerning that I am lucky that I am not bi-polar - you know, just on the odds that I might have been, given all the MedicalMisery in my family. I am supposed to be glad I feel this bad, according to Bootstraps - did you notice the realtor jewelry? - and grateful I don't have a disorder that would actually make me feel good half the time. Ahem.... OK.