Monday, November 26, 2007

Bet you'd rather be here

Today's post is dedicated to everyone who ended up reading my blog and never meant to. Below, the most research search terms that led people to my barren outpost at the north-northeast corner of the interweb - and a few words from me to these people (or droids - whichever. Droids are people, too. Don't be so mean.)

1) rock climber - glad you stopped by, but good Lord, check my links and go see Climbing Narc, Chuffer, Dropknee and Kelly McBride,. I write about climbing sometimes, but they are dedicated and write about it all the time. But I do sometimes climb, and the image search probably landed you here at the picture Mischa swears she didn't cut my ass out of. Well, ok. If she says so.

2) stitch n bitch mudflap girl pattern - did you find the picture? Did you buy the book with the link I provided? Most inportantly, did you find anyone who wants one? I must make this sweater for someone, anyone who will want it. First person to demand this sweater and promise to send me a picture of him or her wearing it gets one free. Ladies, too.

3) guess what reader is thinking? - I was thinking how much I love you. And love is all that matters.

4) foreskin keeps splitting what do I do? - Read the comments on this entry for full primer (ahem) on how to adjust a tight foreskin. You're welcome.

5) picche mischa - how you named my most recent international trip (sort of) and the name of my tent mate in one phrase, I have no idea, but welcome. If you go to Macchu Picchu, buy the trekking sticks. They are well worth it.

6) homeless woman blog - Well. Not yet, but check back in six months or so when all my savings is gone and I am clinging to the drapes. At that point I won't be above powering up my ipod somewhere like this:*

7) grammar and punctuation - my heart sings when someone comes to my blog looking for help with grammar, punctuation and spelling. I have been teaching first year college students to write for eight years now, and it makes my heart soar like a hawk** when anyone, anywhere uses google for a legitimate educational purpose. And finds my blog about emotional wonkiness, climbing gear, and drink recipes.

Toothpaste For Dinner

8) purple hands and feet - normally, we call that being dead. Did you check the subject's respirations and heart rate? If the person is living, a likely cause is congestive heart failure or late stage diabetes. Either way, get OFF the internet and go to the hospital. My FB, Yoyo*** is waiting there for you, and when he gets his hands on you and tells you how you've ruined your health with bad company, tell him Nina hopes he's enjoying being a monument to his selfishness. Sorry. Where was I? These holds are what I was talking about. Rock climbing holds in purple - not purple in your hands.

9) How do I make my boyfriend love me? Oh, honey. Have you ever come to the wrong place. I have no idea. Go see Miss Britt.**** She seems to know a thing or two about collecting the adoration of the male creature.

10) My married man friend says if we have sex the relationship will be over is this true? Oh, my darling friend, YES. Most emphatically, yes. Nothing brings on misery and insanity quite like a man who is not legally free to love you. See below:

And run like hell.

*actually, I have a bridge all picked out. I just need a cubby for my laptop.

** no, I have not earned that metaphor, but that's how I feel.

*** Be careful - he's a serious undercover Jesus-freak। He'll have you attending the Our Lady of Inevitable Misery before he puts in the first stent.

**** I did not ask for permission to post an image of the darling and ravishing Britt, but go check her out and you'll see what I mean.


LAS said...

This is so funny. I am laughing my butt off right now. It cracks me up the ways that people find my blog. Apparently if you search for "dryer sheet" and "cat pee" in the same search - you find my blog. And then of course if you search for variations of alcoholic misery and horribly dysfunctional mothers you find it too. Ha ha. I haven't seen any really funny ones lately. This really made me laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Avitable said...

Britt's an attention whore - you can post pictures of her anytime.

I think I need a shirt like the mud flap one.

em said...

Haha! Love it.

I actually do need some help with grammar and punctuation, by the way. I think I might be a comma whore.

And I do like the mud flap shirt/sweater. I'd wear it.

Nina said...

LAS, yes, well, people in trouble tend to find my blog and gosh, they get no help at all.

Avitable, I am intimidated by Miss Britt. She is so beautiful and perfect and brilliant - *sigh * I think I love Britt a little bit. Maybe I'll just stop by her shop and buy a coffee mug. Then I'll have the courage to ask for her picture.

Em, if you send me your size and any known fabric allergies, I will gladly make you a mudflap girl. :-)