Leave now if you don't like it when I am "like this."
Second thoughts about gratitude: I am grateful to have not lost absolutely everything. I still have Buzz, Leta, Liam, and two handfuls of friends who would do damn near anything for me.
If I have a spectacular crime to report this week, it is* that I have been feeling entitled to more than I got. And everybody knows that no one is entitled to anything at all - and gratitude for what you did get is the only thing right thing to feel.
I miss my parents. I don't mean my step-mother and the person my dad has become in her thrall. I miss my real mother and the guy my dad used to be. I was never entitled to know those people that I remember, and so I am not entitled to resent the loss. But I really, really miss them.
*You can assume until further notice that I am swearing too much, drinking too much, eating cupcakes and having hateful thoughts. It has become the default position. But wait! I can at least report that I haven't been drinking much this week and have only be swearing with my inside voice. Also replace "cupcakes" with "Zaro Black and White Yogurt Cake." Also, on the credit side, I have knitted baby booties for the neighbor's newborn and swatched the yarn I bought in Peru. Turns out that two kilos of baby alpaca is extra fine, which means size 3 needles and thousands of stitches and really beautiful finish. It also means the white is suitable for a nice lacey poncho, which is great news.
Thank you for reading. I will not be "like this" tomorrow.
7 comments:
I miss my parents too. The people that I wish they had been. I miss things I didn't have, and sometimes I miss those things a lot.
I miss my family, I always am torn between thinking I have too much and maybe I don't deserve it to I wish, I miss, I want...what a horrid way to be! I feel horrible even acknowledging it, and frankly this time of the year also called the "Holidays" in America (why? I don't have any holidays, I don't even want them)only exacerbates the situation.
We're all allowed to be like this at times. Holidays do that to me for sure.
I realized, after reading your post (and the one on Thanksgiving) that my default is ungrateful AND entitled. Is that wrong?
Cupcakes and hateful thoughts go great together.
I'm in agreement with everyone else....everyone has times "like this".
No one will blame you if you woke up tomorrow morning the exact same way either...
I've been catching up....so uh, did you answer your cell, or not??
LAS, Yeah... well... maybe this is just part of growing up. I wouldn't know, since I am rather late to the growing up party. I do know that every day gets a hair's breadth better and maybe, you know, one ten pound hairball in the future, I'll be through this phase. You'll get through it, too.
Lola, darling, you've always got me. Say the word and I'll come over and braid your hair and paint your toenails and make an enormous fuss over you. Puja, crazy, and crack. Whatever you say, darling.
LizB, yes, the holidays certainly bring it all back. I bet for you, too. Will be checking your blog to hear about how to recipes turned out. :-)
Persephone, there is nothing wrong with feeling ungrateful and entitled. Neither feeling can be forced - gratitude either arrives or does not. And sometimes entitlement is justice and justice is hard to resist. Plus, you are pretty much perfect, so how can anything you do be wrong? Ps. awaiting Thanksgiving re-cap post.. :-)
Mr. Fab, thanks for stopping by. Internet friends, go check out Mr. Fab's excellent blog complete with radio shows. Awesome, awesome.
Slick, thanks for stopping by. I can't believe you are still talking to me after all the grief I have given you. No... I did not answer the phone. It would have led from zero to naked in less than twelve hours and he is MARRIED and gosh I just don't go there. I am pretty sure he'll keep calling and I'll keep ignoring for a few days, perhaps weeks. That's what I get for biting my cell phone.
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