Leave now if you don't like it when I am "like this."
Second thoughts about gratitude: I am grateful to have not lost absolutely everything. I still have Buzz, Leta, Liam, and two handfuls of friends who would do damn near anything for me.
If I have a spectacular crime to report this week, it is* that I have been feeling entitled to more than I got. And everybody knows that no one is entitled to anything at all - and gratitude for what you did get is the only thing right thing to feel.
I miss my parents. I don't mean my step-mother and the person my dad has become in her thrall. I miss my real mother and the guy my dad used to be. I was never entitled to know those people that I remember, and so I am not entitled to resent the loss. But I really, really miss them.
*You can assume until further notice that I am swearing too much, drinking too much, eating cupcakes and having hateful thoughts. It has become the default position. But wait! I can at least report that I haven't been drinking much this week and have only be swearing with my inside voice. Also replace "cupcakes" with "Zaro Black and White Yogurt Cake." Also, on the credit side, I have knitted baby booties for the neighbor's newborn and swatched the yarn I bought in Peru. Turns out that two kilos of baby alpaca is extra fine, which means size 3 needles and thousands of stitches and really beautiful finish. It also means the white is suitable for a nice lacey poncho, which is great news.
Thank you for reading. I will not be "like this" tomorrow.