In RDU airport, powering through all the emails, I get this one:
I didn't make it to orientation. Did I miss anything?
First of all, I want you to know I love you too. I always have. Your love for me and my love for you are like children frolicking together in a sun-drenched meadow. I am relieved to know you feel the same way.
As for orientation, you missed keg party and a rousing game of strip poker. Then you missed a spirited, joyous gang bang with a band of convicts escaped from cell block E of the local penitentiary. (The federal one, so you know they were quality, indeed).
You also missed important instructions on how not to fail my class flat on your ignorant, teenaged ass, but I'm sure you'll get by. How you'll get over missing the drunken card game and the gang bang, I don't know.
But I am here for you.
Nina (Bitchy English Teacher)