Monday, January 21, 2008

Did I miss anything?

In RDU airport, powering through all the emails, I get this one:

Hi Ma'am,
I didn't make it to orientation. Did I miss anything?
Love,
Kerri


My response:


Hi Kerri!

First of all, I want you to know I love you too. I always have. Your love for me and my love for you are like children frolicking together in a sun-drenched meadow. I am relieved to know you feel the same way.

As for orientation, you missed keg party and a rousing game of strip poker. Then you missed a spirited, joyous gang bang with a band of convicts escaped from cell block E of the local penitentiary. (The federal one, so you know they were quality, indeed).

You also missed important instructions on how not to fail my class flat on your ignorant, teenaged ass, but I'm sure you'll get by. How you'll get over missing the drunken card game and the gang bang, I don't know.

But I am here for you.

Love always,

Nina (Bitchy English Teacher)

10 comments:

cajunvegan said...

I just might have to share my Snarkier Than Thou tiara with you.

Avitable said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

utenzi said...

I never had a teacher like you when I was in college, Nina. It's good that you keep up on what happens in the social lives of your students.

e! said...

Damn... there is no recovery from missing a gang bang featuring inmates from the local federal pen... there just isn't!

Willowtree said...

I'm up for some lovin' too, does it matter what my orientation is?

Kate P said...

That is SO much better than the freak-out response I got from one of my instructors a couple of weeks ago. Is it that I didn't sign off with, "Love"? Pathetic grad students want to know!

Woodrow said...

No you didn't. Did you?

The nerve of him/her, though. She (I just decided) deserved it either way.

bermudabluez said...

You are a rockin' teacher!! And hilarious to boot!!

nicoleantoinette said...

Please send this, lol.

Effortlessly Average said...

You almost had me there; right up to the point of this:

"...a band of convicts escaped from cell block E..."

Silly Nina, everyone knows the inmates on Block E would only go for someone under the age of 6.

Ok, that grosses me out too, yeah.