Reader: Did I miss anything?

Monday, January 21, 2008

Did I miss anything?

In RDU airport, powering through all the emails, I get this one:

Hi Ma'am,
I didn't make it to orientation. Did I miss anything?
Love,
Kerri

My response:

Hi Kerri!

First of all, I want you to know I love you too. I always have. Your love for me and my love for you are like children frolicking together in a sun-drenched meadow. I am relieved to know you feel the same way.

As for orientation, you missed keg party and a rousing game of strip poker. Then you missed a spirited, joyous gang bang with a band of convicts escaped from cell block E of the local penitentiary. (The federal one, so you know they were quality, indeed).

You also missed important instructions on how not to fail my class flat on your ignorant, teenaged ass, but I'm sure you'll get by. How you'll get over missing the drunken card game and the gang bang, I don't know.

But I am here for you.

Love always,

Nina (Bitchy English Teacher)

10 comments:

Anonymous said...: I just might have to share my Snarkier Than Thou tiara with you.; January 21, 2008 at 2:09 PM
Avitable said...: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!; January 21, 2008 at 2:28 PM
utenzi said...: I never had a teacher like you when I was in college, Nina. It's good that you keep up on what happens in the social lives of your students.; January 21, 2008 at 2:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Damn... there is no recovery from missing a gang bang featuring inmates from the local federal pen... there just isn't!; January 21, 2008 at 3:30 PM
willowtree said...: I'm up for some lovin' too, does it matter what my orientation is?; January 21, 2008 at 9:13 PM
Kate P said...: That is SO much better than the freak-out response I got from one of my instructors a couple of weeks ago. Is it that I didn't sign off with, "Love"? Pathetic grad students want to know!; January 21, 2008 at 9:14 PM
Woodrow said...: No you didn't. Did you?

The nerve of him/her, though. She (I just decided) deserved it either way.; January 21, 2008 at 11:48 PM
bichonpawz said...: You are a rockin' teacher!! And hilarious to boot!!; January 22, 2008 at 1:22 AM
nicole antoinette said...: Please send this, lol.; January 22, 2008 at 2:13 AM
Effortlessly Average said...: You almost had me there; right up to the point of this:

"...a band of convicts escaped from cell block E..."

Silly Nina, everyone knows the inmates on Block E would only go for someone under the age of 6.

Ok, that grosses me out too, yeah.; January 23, 2008 at 2:17 PM

Who are these people?

Bibi - God bless the guy who gets Bee. I can't even think of anything obnoxious to say about her. She can eat pasta without gaining weight, she can run the ridges at Gertrude's Nose with no fear, and she is by miles the best climber of all of us. She's going to Kili with us. Hell, she'll be leading.
Buzz Elder Brother. Cross me at your peril.
Jib computer wizard, entrepreneur, stand-up comedian, stand-up guy I can count on to catch a movie and hold hands in the dark without it having any meaning whatosever. Every woman needs a man like Jib.
Joe - locquacious, flirtatious, 40-something hiking buddy - also, ex-manfriend of Pax.
Larry, WPITW - climber, hiker, badass (not in the good way, either). At a given moment, at least half of us are not speaking to him.
Liam - My nephew, whose favorite words are "noing," "Bobby," "dumptruck," "job-site" and "Daddy." He also says "obstreperous" "pulchritudinous" and "Nina" upon request.
Merry - Australian BFF spends the summers on a yacht, nannying for a celebrity couple with two children. She lives in a brownstone and she has a chauffeur. And we have no idea who she works for.
Newsy has been my friend for about 22,000 hours. Or more. I don't have a calculator. She has about 3423% more professional and personal commitments than I do, and yet she still finds time to think about me. I find this astonishing. If you knew her, you'd be astonished, too.
Pax - climber, hiker, corporate warrior, used to date Joe. Sticks by Larry in spite of his horribleness. None of us understands this.
Skatey- he rides a skateboard. He can dance. He can throw a frisbee and he's not bad at karaoke, either.
Sri - Bengali princess who, aside from kicking my ass at climbing, and aside from being a smokin' hiker, brought down the evil empire of Larry and also once told me that "even girls' are turned on my breasts." Also never turns down "one more round."
Supajewie - Long distance drinking buddy, just about the only person I know who "gets it". And no, she's not Jewish. It's a long story.
Tex - is what happens when you take a normal man, add alcohol, subtract common sense and tact, and then buy him another drink.

English Teacher Disclaimer

I teach English, and I sometimes get a emotional about grammar, punctuation, and usage. I sometimes write posts about other people's grammar - or mine. This does not mean, however, that my blog is without errors. I constantly go back and edit for typos and sometimes even... misspelled words *clutching skull and gagging*. If you find a mistake feel free to call me out on it. I will persist in making mistakes whether I attempt to catch them or not, and I will continue to be my bitchy English teacher self despite my capacity to screw up just as often as the next person... and maybe more.